Tomorrow is the anniversary of our engagement.  Just another milestone I can’t celebrate this year because my husband died suddenly fourteen months ago.  This one is in the middle of holidays…  How those have changed since Jim died!  I’m going to share some of the things I do to get through all the ‘tough holidays ad dates’ and hope it helps!

When Jim first died… I got BUSY.  Busy with his wake and funeral, then his estate and his children, then closing his accounts (a mountain of paperwork!).  Then I decided to travel to where I hadn’t been able to get him to go with me, plus I got busy with my nonprofit.  After travel with girlfriends, I came back and got focused on  making changes to the house.  I did some upgrades, changed some colors… to make it feel more like mine (vs mine & Jim’s).  At the beginning of year two, I was back home, not as busy… and reality began to sink in.  Apparently, I’d tried to ‘busy’ myself past it (…and I know better!).  This does not work…  you must go THROUGH grief, you cannot avoid it or go around it.

Before I lost my husband, I’d lost both parents, three of my four children, a 30-year marriage and the sight in my right eye.  I have also run a grief support group since 2003 and a separate nonprofit for grief recovery sine 2013.  I get it!  But I still tried to avoid it, albeit unconsciously.  Year two hit, the numbness wore off, I slowed down… which made being alone and the holidays feel even more difficult than year one.

So… what do I do?  What might you try doing?

The travel and changing the decor in the house did help, at least a little.  I am blessed with a large circle of friends, which I reach out to… especially when feeling lonely.  I make myself go out to gatherings, shows or events, even when I don’t feel like it.  I call friends to come over  or go out to dinner — I do not wait for them to call  me.  Sometimes we just make a meal kit together, eat in and watch a movie.  I also pour my time, heart and money into my nonprofit work helping others.  It helps.

During this month of holidays, I am gathering more people to me at home, so it doesn’t feel lonely.  I got a HUGE live Christmas tree and asked girlfriends to help me decorate it (doing that alone is brutal).  I helped two friends, one new to the cosmetic business and one getting her yoga teaching certification, by inviting a dozen ladies over for a night of yoga and facials.  I volunteered to host my women’s monthly pot luck dinner in December.  I hosted our support group’s annual memorial candle lighting. I always host Christmas Eve for Jim’s family and mine, as I will this year — it makes me feel closer to him.  All this keeps people around me during the holiday season, and I keep the hosting simple.

I decided to avoid the public holiday ‘hoopla’ by doing ALL my Christmas shopping online.  It saves me time and I avoid being drenched in reminders .  I bought myself a small gift or two for under the tree.  Jim and I used to have Christmas morning to ourselves.  We’d light the tree, put on holiday music and exchange gifts just between us, then I’d make us a big breakfast.  Christmas morning is now the loneliest time for me. 

So this year, I invited a friend who is also alone, to join me for brunch around my Christmas tree.  You could throw a spontaneous pot luck dinner for other friends alone on the holiday too.  I asked my son and his wife if I could come over for a coffee early to see my grandson open a few gifts.  He’ll be eighteen months on Christmas Day, a fun age.  I know young families like their special private moments together and I don’t want to intrude, but I feel the need to break it up a little, rather than sit home alone Christmas morning.  Ask for what  you need.

Otherwise, you might go volunteer to help prepare dinner for the needy, visit a local elderly home or reach out to a friend to go out together.  I try to remember to call relatives that are not nearby.  It feels so good to connect, if only by phone.  I am fortunate enough to  be invited to my daughter-in-law’s family for dinner.  If I wasn’t, I’d find someone to be with or somewhere to go, not to be alone.  I happen to be an extrovert, so that is the best way for me, it may not be for an introvert… but alone on a holiday can be tough.  
Plan ahead.  Take care of you.

Here’s wishing you a happy holiday season full of fond memories and new experiences with friends, family or potential new friends.

XO …supporting your resilience