Are you starting a new year without your partner?

That prospect can be pretty scary… especially if you are a recent widow or widower.  Most likely, you blended your lifestyle so that you each were responsible for part of the household chores, but now you have them all.  That’s not the worst part, right?  The loneliness may be the worst part… or the pain of grief… or dealing with family, finances and what’s next.

The holidays were bad enough… but you made it through.
You hope next year is better than the last one.

My husband died a year ago October, and the rest of that year was a blur.  I spent that three months  trying to get medical insurance, sort out his estate, take care of things with family, deal with the mountain of paperwork, and close his accounts.  Then I went through all of his personal possessions and gave them to family, or donated them. I don’t even remember much about the holidays last year.

I do remember that I declared a “be good to me” year, because it had been a tough winter with his death, plus car and house issues and an IRS audit.  So I booked an epic trip (where I hand’t been able to get him to go), leased a car and did some upgrades to the house.  Then I over scheduled myself so that I was super busy.  I didn’t slow down and let it really sink in until a year later, this October.  Then it hit me… hard. I finally had time to be lonely… Sundays are the worst. That was when we’d spent all day together.  I’d make a big breakfast, we’d talk, walk, do some work around the house or errands, then Sunday evening was our date night.  Now, I make plans with friends on Sunday evenings.

I went through some tough realizations over that first winer alone, having  to shovel my own snow, empty my own garbage, and do all the household chores… but I streamlined it and got used to it. I used to make dinner for us most nights — I no longer feel like cooking for myself.  How often could I really eat out… and expect friends to go with me?  My son and his wife live nearby but I didn’t want to be a burden on them.  My step kids live an hour away and they were grieving too.

I am finally getting used to my new lifestyle. I am blessed with many friends; I rely on them.  When we eat out, I usually bring home leftovers for additional meals. I cut my meal kits from weekly to monthly and freeze the protein, then stretch them out over two weeks. I do a monthly grocery order online and have it delivered. I often invite a friend over when I make a meal kit so I don’t have to eat alone. I DVR a few TV shows, so I can occupy myself watching them when alone.

I chose to make my holidays centered more around family and small groups of friends.  Simple.  I avoided most big parties, hosting small groups at home.  Rather than be at a New Year’s Eve party this year, I will be making holiday cookies with my grandson to start a tradition (we didn’t have time this year before Christmas).  I’ll get back to the parties another year.

To help with some extra income, I rented my house when I was away on the trip, then I set up my downstairs to rent on AirBnB for short term stays.  Figuring out ongoing finances is often an issue. You may need to get creative, ask for help, get a roommate or move. Those type of changes are difficult on top of the grief, but some prefer to “change the scenery” seeing it as less painful.  I stayed in my home, but changed some of the colors to make if feel different.

Take your time and ry to add a few new habits or traditions, to change the routine.  Grief can cling to old patterns. Make yourself get out, ask friends and family to help you. To replace when Jim & I had coffee in the morning,  I’ve started a new exercise/meditation routine. I also have a coffee pot that allows me to make either one cup (for just me)  or a whole pot.

It is the little things that get you.  Work on those… the big things often take care of themselves. It’s okay to be a little scared of a new year… you’ll be proud of yourself for getting through it!  YOU CAN DO IT!

Wishing you a Happy New Year!

XO …supporting your resilience