I
t could HELP… we often take ourselves so seriously!
This may not apply to every type of loss… but when we lose a partner, things change so dramatically in our day-to-day lives, we may focus on what’s wrong… what’s missing. I’m a fairly recent widow. That itself isn’t funny, but the way I sometimes handled myself is (as I look back on it). Honestly, I find that I feel a little better when I laugh at myself. It actually helps me heal… here are a few examples:
- It’s SNOWING out! Oh yeah – I have to SHOVEL now!
Jim spoiled me and insisted on doing the shoveling without my help (with one exception in twelve years when the snow was overwhelming). The first time it snowed after he died, I had to have a friend remind me to clean off my stairs when they came to the door! I almost got stuck backing the car out of the garage into the driveway which I’d forgotten to shovel!
. - I kept forgetting to take out the weekly garbage!
Another of “Jim’s jobs”, he’d go through the house and empty the trash and the recycle and put it out on Tuesday night for the early Wednesday morning pickup. He even knew which week was recycle (on the every other schedule). Luckily for me, I have multiple trash cans, so when I forgot there was still room in the garage… but it occasionally got a little smelly in there!
. - Cooking — for just me??? Really?
OK, I’d done all the cooking – Jim was absolutely helpless in the kitchen… but did I really want to bother for just me??? Not really… but I had to eat. I went through this refinement process of still buying & cooking too much, having to throw food out. Then I started freezing part and filled the freezer, that didn’t work either. I invited people over to eat, and that helped but you can’t do that every night. However, I always accepted invitations to eat out! Finally, I went back to meal kits but reduced them to one box per month (freezing the protein when it came, to stay fresh). I also stated using a grocery delivery service once per month. It gave me flexibility, with fast, easy & healthy meals. Then I only need to stop at a local store occasionally for milk or eggs. It works much better for me.
As you know, there’s a bunch of household chores — inside and outside, that need to get done and suddenly, you don’t have help to do them… paying bills, laundry, cleaning, decisions, friends, family… on and on. Everything changes!
Plus, there is all that extra ALONE TIME… not much fun, especially if you are an extrovert like me, getting your energy from those around you. 
Basically, you need to find new processes that fit your style. Don’t be shy to ak for help from family & friends, they usually want to help but don’t know how or just aren’t thinking about it. They really don’t get it if they have not been through it. I have more friends over than I used to, I watch a bit more TV than I used to, and I dove deeper into my nonprofit work. Thankfully, I have an adorable grandson and family nearby to focus on… that really helps!
Just give yourself a break, be good to you, AND …laugh at yourself sometimes, it doesn’t hurt!
…helping you find resilience after loss.
Barbara J Hopkinson
President & Executive Director
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