Christmas is almost upon us!  

What makes that holiday (or Hanukkah) seemingly worse for grievers than other holidays?  Is it because of all the commercial hype?  Is it because it is a gift-giving holiday?  Is it because we gather with family more than other holidays, even traveling long distances to be together?  Is it because it’s nearing the end of yet another year without our loved ones? Are the gaps more obvious than at other times?

Other holidays are tough also… Thanksgiving, Birthdays, Anniversaries, etc…  but Christmas and Hanukkah seem the most difficult to me, and it is when I see people struggle the most. We often fuss over food and our loved ones are not there to help us or to enjoy their favorites. It’s the only holiday we shop on such a big scale, sometimes months in advance, but we can no longer gift our lost loved ones.  We gather in families but those personalities are missing, often dramatically changing dynamics.

So what can we do?  We can’t bring them back… or can we?  Hm.m.m…
… not physically, of course… but we can honor their memory, welcome their spirit and push ourselves to enjoy those still with us by starting new traditions.

Some ideas – not for everyone, but 1 or 2 might be useful:
> Don’t make yourself do things you don’t want; self-care.
> Set a place for your loved one at the table & light a candle
> Put their picture in sight of the guests at a gathering.
> Make a point to “toast” them during the gathering.
> “Roast” the loved one by asking for funny stories.
> Make some of their favorite foods to share; tell guests.
> Hang some ornaments on the tree, reminders of them.
> Talk to children in the family to preserve their memory.
> Continue family traditions that the loved one enjoyed. 
> Start new holiday traditions with children or new family members and friends.

Some things that help me:
> I do all of my shopping online, avoiding malls and holiday chaos.
> I ask my friends not to buy me gifts; less stress. We get together.
> I continue my tradition of getting a BIG Christmas tree,  I invite friends to help and we laugh over how Jim hated this process.
> I decline to go to some big Christmas parties, but choose to host a few smaller gatherings at home. I also attend some holiday performances with a friend, which I have never seen – new experiences and it feels less overwhelming.
> I have an ongoing tradition with my remaining son Brad.  Every Christmas Eve, we meet for lunch, bring a holiday decoration to both of his brothers’ graves, go out to lunch, then he comes to my house and helps me cook Christmas Eve dinner for family.
> Jim’s family continues to be my family and part of my holidays.  We stay in touch.
> Over Christmas Eve dinner, we often laugh over stories about Jim or Brent or parents.
> My 18-month-old grandson is a great source of healing. I am starting a new tradition with him, making Christmas cookies. Later, I will tell him stories about Jim, his namesake (my son, Brent), and others.

Wishing you holidays full of loving memories…
…and with old and new traditions

XO …supporting your resilience